Patriot Realm

A few weeks ago, Redhead, My Mum, lost her ironing board to the big laundry in the sky. It passed from a non covid-related injury. Its legs just collapsed and it fell to the floor to iron no more. It was not vaccinated and it had never worn a mask. 

It simply became a deceased board that had become bored of life. 

So why am I writing an article about a dead ( deceased ) ironing board? Because I volunteered to buy a replacement for the fallen servant who had served so well. And that is where it all went wrong....

Redhead loves ironing. I don't. But she still irons all the pillowcases and clothing and regards it as a mark of personal pride.

I gave it up years ago. Ironing and personal pride I guess. 

But I do have pride in my ebay and online purchasing prowess. In that field, I am a goddess. 

I eagerly logged in to my ebay account and researched the most wondrous ironing boards on the planet. Redhead had said that her budget was no more than $200,00. Excellent. I could buy a Rolls Royce of pressing platforms for that kind of dosh.

And there it was: the most magnificent board of ironing luxury. 

Enter dreamy music...

And so it was that we eagerly awaited the delivery of the new Ironing Board.

It finally arrived. Redhead rummaged and tore the packaging from the prize to see that it was..

A buggered board.

The legs were buckled. It was wobbly. It was, in fact, a seriously ill table of teetering tragedy.

Redhead rang. She found it hard to mourn the loss of two ironing boards in as many weeks. Not to mention the loss of $152.00.

I reassured her that all would be well. After all, I had been buying from eBay for many years and they were known for their customer care.

Cough.

Despite many emails, I found myself in a dilemma: all we had to do was repackage the dead dude and send it back from our nearest post office.

Of course, my immediate response was to forward images of said victim of " death by delivery or warehouse " ... whoever it was that treated this ironing board so uncaringly. 

Images would not suffice. No, Redhead, aged 90, would have to repackage the body and take it to her car, take it out again, carry it to the post office ( over 300 metres away from parking ) and send it back to " prove that it was damaged. "

Apparently, the suggestion was that Redhead received the ironing board and took a hammer to it in order to get a refund.

I respectfully told them that this was a bit silly. 

So I decided to post it for sale on Ebay. 

It just made so much sense. 

I clicked on the tab that said "  new listing. " 

This is going to be good, I thought. My fingers tapped on the keyboard and I laughed and felt rather smart and select. 

" For Sale. One new ironing board. Crippled before delivery" 

Catchy headline. Tick. Now for the sub title. 

" Needs good home. Never used but recently abused. "

I liked that. My fingers stabbed at the keyboard again.

The field said " description " so I plunged in with great fervor. 

 " This ironing board never knew a home. All because of an uncaring seller and an ebay that is no more caring than our government. It wanted desperately to come home to its roots - a warehouse somewhere in Melbourne. Alas, it was not to be. All because a frail {sorry, Redhead, but it did have dramatic effect } 90 year old woman did not have the strength to carry it to the local immigration centre.

Can you sponsor this wounded, crippled, weak and defenseless ironing board? Help it to go home? All I ask is $152.00 and you pay for the courier costs.

Help stamp out injustice! "

Excellent. 

I knew that I would get multiple bids from lefties all around Australia. 

Happy days.

Unfortunately, my listing was rejected because I failed to adhere to community guidelines.

Bugger.

I seem to do a lot of that these days.

Even trying to help a wounded and crippled ironing board is off the table and too hot to handle.

Meanwhile, I have an ironing board to sell. Should I send it to Martha's Vineyard?

My name is Shaydee and Redhead probably does not approve of this message. 

Oops...