Patriot Realm

In the dusty heart of the Outback, where the sun scorches the earth and the kangaroos outnumber the people, there's a new craze sweeping through the land. It's not the latest Aussie slang or a new way to cook a snag on the barbie – it's the art of cat herding. That's right, people, move over cattle rustling and sheep shearing; it's time for the feline frolic of the century.

Now, you might be wondering how on earth herding cats can be a viable occupation, let alone a source of national pride. Well, let me tell you, it's all about turning the seemingly impossible into the distinctly Australian. It's about teaching our young, unemployed folks the fine art of cat herding and giving them a sense of purpose that's as Aussie as a meat pie at the footy.

You see, cat herding isn't for the faint of heart or the easily frustrated. It takes the kind of patience that would make a saint jealous and a sense of humour as dry as the desert itself. But in a land where we've made a sport out of wrestling crocs and riding wild bulls, herding cats doesn't seem so far-fetched.

Even in America, Cat herding is tough. 

Picture this: a group of eager, unemployed youngsters decked out in their best Akubra hats and RM Williams boots, armed with nothing but a ball of wool and a pocketful of catnip. Their mission? To gather a mischievous mob of feral felines and guide them towards a pen. It's like watching a ballet, only with more hissing and scratching.

But the benefits of cat herding go beyond the sheer spectacle of it all. It's a job that provides a real sense of accomplishment, as our young Aussies tackle a task that's as tough as a two-dollar steak. And let's face it, there's nothing like the feeling of triumph when you've successfully herded a group of cats – it's a bit like winning the Melbourne Cup, only with fewer jockeys and more whiskers.

Now, you might be wondering how this could possibly become a source of national pride. Well, consider this:

Australia has a long history of tackling the impossible. From building a Nation, to surviving in the harshest of environments, we've always had a knack for turning challenges into opportunities. Cat herding is just the latest chapter in our tale of tenacity.

And it's not just about employment; it's about embracing our unique Aussie spirit. We're a nation of larrikins, bush poets, and folks who aren't afraid to have a crack at the improbable. Teaching our young ones how to herd cats is a way of passing on that spirit, that can-do attitude, and that unmistakable Aussie humour.

However, we must never forget the founder of Cat Herding in the Outback though.

Pensioner Pete aka Whiskers O'Cat.

In the sun-baked town of Longreach, nestled deep in the heart of Outback Queensland, there lived a man by the name of Pete "Whiskers" O'Cat. Pete was a quintessential Aussie, with a wide-brimmed hat permanently affixed to his head and a crooked smile that could charm a dingo out of its dinner.

Now, you see, Pete had a peculiar fondness for cats. While most folks in Longreach were busy tending to their cattle or shearing their sheep, Pete was always seen in the company of five feline companions, each with a name as unique as the Outback itself: Matilda, Wombat, Digger, Boomer, and, of course, Bundy.

Pete's connection with his cats was something folks couldn't quite fathom. He claimed they understood him better than any human ever could, and he reckoned they even had a sense of humour – though that may have been the Queensland sun playing tricks on him.

One scorching summer's day, when the heat shimmered off the red dirt like a fever dream, a local cattle rancher approached Pete with a problem. His prized bull, Thunderbolt, had taken to wandering off into the bush. He needed a stockman who could work miracles, someone who could round up that cantankerous beast and bring him home.

Yes this is a parable. 

Pete, never one to shy away from a challenge, took a long swig of his cold Bundaberg rum, tipped his hat, and declared, "I'll do it, mate. But I'll do it my way."

With Matilda, Wombat, Digger, Boomer, and Bundy in tow, Pete set off into the wilderness. It was a sight to behold – a stockman and his five feline helpers, all with tails held high and whiskers twitching with determination.

For days, they tracked Thunderbolt through the unforgiving terrain, following his hoofprints in the dust and listening for his distant bellowing. Whenever the bull seemed to slip away, Bundy, the most agile of the feline crew, would climb a tree and keep a lookout. The others formed a feline frontline, herding Thunderbolt in the right direction with an uncanny precision that left Pete in awe.

After a week of relentless pursuit, Pete and his feline friends finally cornered Thunderbolt in a rocky gorge. With a skillful crack of his ball of wool and a chorus of menacing hisses from the cats, they guided the bull back home to its relieved owner.

Word of Pete's extraordinary feat spread like wildfire through Longreach, and soon enough, he became a local legend. He was dubbed the "Cat Herding Stockman," and his exploits were celebrated in the town's newly established Cat Herders Stockman Hall of Fame.

From that day forward, Pete "Whisker" O'Cat's name was forever enshrined in the annals of Outback lore. He became a symbol of the indomitable Aussie spirit, proving that even in the most improbable of circumstances, a determined stockman and his trusty feline crew could accomplish the impossible.

And as for Pete's cats, they received their fair share of accolades too. Matilda, Wombat, Digger, Boomer, and Bundy were immortalised as the first-ever Cat Herding Team in the history of the Outback. Their names were whispered in awe around campfires, and songs were penned about their bravery under the scorching Outback sun.

If you find yourself in Longreach, gazing at the bronze statues of Pete and his heroic cats in the Cat Herders Stockman Hall of Fame, remember the tale of the man who herded cats and made Outback history – the legendary Pete "Whisker" O'Cat.

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So, the next time you find yourself in the Outback, and you come across a group of young Aussies in their Akubras, cracking jokes, wielding balls of wool and corralling cats, don't scoff. Give 'em a cheer and a cold one, because they're not just herding cats; they're herding their way into the annals of Australian legend. And that, my friends, is the kind of national pride that's as true blue as a kangaroo with boxing gloves.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what Australia, is all about. 

It is not about the Voice. It is not about division. It is not about gender dysphoria. It is about Pete " Whisker " O'Cat. And being the bloody larrikins who fought wars and stood by mates and, well, herded cats. 

Because, quite frankly, it seems to me that the whole world is trying to herd cats and it just isn't going to happen. 

Thank goodness.