Patriot Realm

By Rodererick Whiskers McNibble, Chief Investigative Reporter – Ratty News 

In a week of shocking revelations, Ratty News has been tracking two monumental events: Flooding in Western Queensland Australia and the mass pile-on against Tesla vehicles. 

However, we have chosen to feature our exclusive scoop with Big Gum, the Head Tooth Fairy of the entire world ........and Elon Musk, Major Domo of Miracles, Marvels, Molars and current world record holder of frequent flyer points.

As Teslas, once the darlings of the eco-conscious left - are now being torched, scratched, and defaced by their former fanbase, Ratty News sees a curious connection: the Tooth Fairy Syndicate’s growing interest in colonising Mars with the help of SpaceX and the increasing interest in cryptocurrency. 

Intrigued? Read our explosive article and learn more about Mars, Molars and Musk.... 

Last week, we featured an interview with the Head Honcho of Tooth Tower, Big Gum herself. 

Big Gum, whose magical extraction fleet has long operated under the cover of darkness, revealed in a tell-all interview that the fairy realm has outgrown Earth’s tooth yield.

With SpaceX gearing up for Martian colonisation, Big Gum confirmed that her fairy task force is in “advanced negotiations” with Elon Musk himself to hitch a ride.

“With all the Musk-bashing going on, he’s more than happy to partner with us,” Big Gum revealed. “In exchange for ferrying us to Mars, we’re offering him exclusive rights to our proprietary Wing-Powered Hover Dynamics technology - a bit more elegant than those clunky Starship boosters or Dragon Drays.” 

TESLAS BURN, TOOTH FAIRIES LEARN

The recent public backlash against Teslas - graffiti reading “Eco-sellout!” and “Battery Betrayer!” scrawled across once-pristine doors - has prompted the Tooth Fairy Corps to rethink their transportation strategy. With Musk now branded as a pariah by his former supporters, SpaceX is suddenly an ideal partner for the fairy syndicate, offering them interplanetary access free from earthly politics.

It should be noted that Ratty Airways are also in negotiations with Elon Musk and Big Gum to create the first Whisker Dynamic Propelled Rocket Ship manned entirely by Rats and Ladies from the Country Women's Association Longreach Chapter. Dulcie Hardcastle, long time resident of Dusty Gulch said " I'll put my faith in Elon, Rats, and Tooth Fairies before I'll support lefties and politicians."

But back to Big Gum. 

“We’re talking first-class travel with stardust-fuelled glimmer drives,” said Big Gum, eyes twinkling with ambition and excitement. 

Fairy engineers, previously focused on stealth tooth retrieval, have already begun fitting their signature enchanted pouches with low-orbit propulsion units. The plan?

• Phase One: Establish a Mars Tooth Outpost (codename: Gum Base Alpha) where they can harvest first-gen Martian teeth from pioneer colonists.

• Phase Two: Create a Tooth Mining Cooperative with Musk, turning baby teeth into bio-enhanced calcium fuel cells to power future Mars colonies. 

ELON MUSK – FAIRY ALLY OR FOE?

While Musk himself has not publicly commented on the Tooth Fairy collaboration, Ratty News has learned that Ratty Airways’ own orange bi-plane fleet has been testing joint flight drills with SpaceX prototypes. When asked if he was concerned about trusting intergalactic expansion to a fleet of fairy-powered operatives, Musk reportedly said:

“Hey, if they can retrieve a tooth from under a pillow without waking a kid, they can run a Mars colony.”

Industry experts agree. “Elon is desperate for allies right now,” said Dr. Nigel Snagglefang, Rodent Space Analyst. “The fairies offer him precision, speed, and magic dust propulsion that SpaceX has been unable to crack.”

As the Tooth Fairy Syndicate prepares for its bold leap into Martian colonisation with SpaceX, financial analysts at Ratty News are already crunching the calcium-rich numbers. Could the teeth harvested from Mars pioneers become the next big cryptocurrency - an interplanetary Toothcoin that makes Bitcoin look like pocket change?

In an exclusive leak from fairy insider Jeffrey Silverberg , Ratty News has learned that Big Gum’s elite tech team (codename: Incisors Inc.) has been developing a blockchain-based dental currency powered by calcium nanofragments extracted from first-gen Martian molars. Mike "Waltzing with Matilda " Hogsbreath from SpaceX is non commital on the leak.

The plan?

• Teeth = tokens. Each genuine Martian tooth is digitally minted into one Toothcoin (TTC).

• Scarcity drives value. With a finite number of baby teeth expected from early Martian settlers, the rarity of TTC could skyrocket.

• Calcium-backed currency. Unlike Earth’s fiat currencies or even gold-backed crypto, Toothcoin will be physically linked to real Martian calcium, giving it a “bone fide” value.

WHY TOOTHCOIN COULD OUTSHINE BITCOIN

Financial experts speculate that Toothcoin’s tangible backing makes it more stable than traditional crypto.

“Bitcoin is built on belief,” explained Dr. Dexter Gnawstein, Ratty News’ cryptocurrency analyst. “But Toothcoin? It’s got actual enamel equity. You’re investing in the calcium economy - a currency you can really get your teeth into.”

Even Elon Musk himself is rumoured to be considering Toothcoin integration into SpaceX contracts, potentially allowing early Mars settlers to earn Toothcoin for each molar lost during interplanetary life. With Mars’ lower gravity, experts predict that loose teeth may fall out faster, creating a faster mining cycle than on Earth.

THE TECH BEHIND TOOTH MINING

Incisors Inc. has developed a proprietary Toothchain™ system that uses quantum fairy dust encryption to:
✅ Verify authenticity of each tooth-to-token transaction.
✅ Prevent counterfeit tooth minting, ensuring that only Martian-grown teeth generate new coins.
✅ Facilitate interplanetary exchange between Earth and Mars through decentralized fairy banking hubs.

“We’re talking about a multi-planet economy here,” said Big Gum, “one where fairy labourers get paid in Toothcoin, and settlers can trade their lost teeth for oxygen credits, food rations, or even a SpaceX VIP shuttle pass back to Earth. In Australia, people might be able to actually pay their power bills. ”

TOOTHCOIN: TOO BIG TO FAIL?

Crypto analysts are already drawing parallels between early Bitcoin mining and the Martian tooth rush.

• Scarcity: With only a few hundred colonists expected in the first waves, early Toothcoin adopters could become the crypto kings of the cosmos.

• Utility: Unlike meme-based coins, Toothcoin has practical value. Calcium-rich Toothcoin could be converted into bio-enhanced ceramic plating for spacecraft or calcium-based Martian supplements.

However, some financial skeptics warn of a potential bubble.

“Sure, it sounds like a fairy tale now,” said Gilda Gumsworth, Earth-based crypto critic. “But if the market floods with counterfeit teeth - like porcelain molars passed off as Martian ones, Toothcoin could collapse faster than a chocolate Easter bunny in the Aussie Outback sun.”

 

COULD TOOTHCOIN REVOLUTIONISE INTERGALACTIC TRADE?

Elon Musk’s rumoured Toothcoin buy-in has already sparked speculation of Earth-Mars exchange rates, with the possibility of TTC replacing Dogecoin as Musk’s favourite meme currency.

In a bold move, Ratty Airways announced it will begin accepting pre-orders for Toothcoin-backed flights to its yet-to-be-built Ratty Lunar Lounge, giving early adopters a chance to spend their cosmic calcium on intergalactic travel.

Big Gum, ever the visionary, left us with a final nugget of financial wisdom:

“Gold? Pfft. You can’t regenerate gold. But teeth? Kids lose them all the time. And on Mars? Those chompers are gonna be worth their weight in stardust.”

Ratty News: Covering the Galactic Gold Rush, One Molar at a Time! 

Stay tuned for our next financial exposé: “Tooth Vaults on the Red Planet – Are Your Pearly Whites Safe from Space Pirates?”

Ratty News: Where the Sky is Never the Limit!