What the hell do I have to do to wake up from this nightmare? Gay Pride MONTH? Seriously? 1/12th of a year dedicated to people who want to boldly go where no man should ever go? Sorry, Star Trek, but Captain Kirk would never have navigated to the Gay Galaxy.
Sometimes, you just have to say no. Enough. I am all out of sympathy, all out of hugs and all out of embraces for men who want to shove their todger up some other man’s rear end and reassure me that it is worth a month of celebration. Fair go. I don’t even like thinking about it, let alone spending a month of my life spreading the love of bottom todgers.
Gay Pride Month is, in my very not humble opinion, a month too long.
Is there any way that I can get a month for Bloke Month? You know, the idea of a whole month where I can – with my mates – drink beer, cuss, scratch my balls and ogle big breasted women and fart in bed?
I want Bloke Month. Now. Wheel out the backyard grills, put the TV outside and burp enthusiastically after eating the biggest steak God ever created. While watching the football where NO ONE – NOT ONE – ever kneels while I sing the National Anthem enthusiastically and with great gusto. Shit, I would love Bloke Month.
Even Bloke Day would be cool. They gave some of us Father’s Day but, in all my years as a Dad, I have never once gotten a fishing rod or a slab of beer. Nope. Zilch. I get socks and jocks and a DVD of some chick flick to watch with the wife later on. Though, after the popcorn and movie, I might get a good night kiss and headache coming on so I have to wonder if it was worth the pain of enduring 90 minutes of emotional garbage.
To be fair, I have a mate who is gay. Seriously. He laughs all the time. But I can’t stand poofters. Thank God he isn’t one of those “ gays. “ He’s just a funny bloke. I know he isn’t gay “ gay “ because he won’t go into Target because of their changing rooms. Says that they unhygienic. And too many perverts. I don’t blame him to be frank. I won’t go near the place and, as far as I am concerned, if I see another Rainbow tomorrow, it will be a Rainbow too many.
I used to love Rainbows but now, if I see one on the horizon, I think “ Oh shit, the bastards have put up another billboard. “
Gay Pride MONTH. It’s like Ramadan only everyone gets porked and doesn’t get thrown off a building or beaten to death. Actually, the more I think about it, if Ramadan gets a month and poofters get a month, why shouldn’t I have the other 10 months? I’ll cut a deal: you guys have a month each and I’ll take a month. The Missus can have a month - yeah, I’ll watch her movies and stop being a pain in the arse – it’s only a month. We can have a month for kids , a month for oldies, a month for politicians, a month for Veterans and a month for indigenous people from all around the world. We could shove aside December for Christians and October for Jews. Hell, I’ll be generous and chuck in a month for atheists, vegans and Greta Thunberg. That leaves me a month.
Done deal. Where do I sign?
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