Patriot Realm

I have been moved to write about one of the world's most iconic food staples - the Hamburger. All because of a fellow tweeter @eileentoomeywright, who dared to say that pineapple and beetroot do not belong on the same burger. In fact , Eileen is garnering support for her #burgergate conspiracy theory and this is the time to set the record straight. 

Now, as many fellow Conservative tweeters know, Elieen is a recognised afficiendo of all things flavourful and cooked, baked and blended. I often agree with  Eileen but on this ocassion, the gauntlet has been hurled and I have picked it up. Nay, I have swooped on it and it is frying pans at 10 paces... must keep those social distancing laws in place.

Well, here is my response young lady. You cheeky rabbit. 

Back in 1978, I created the BULK Burger. it was a beast. In fact, it was so " YUGE " that, if someone could eat two, they got their money back. Never once did we refund a dollar. The BULK burger was so windswept and exotic, we actually printed diplomas for our staff that stated that they had graduated from the University of Hamburger Assembly. When a new member of staff was told that they had mastered its assemblage, the word would be put out among our customers and a time and date would be announced for the subsequent Award Ceremony.

Back in those days, people could walk in to a humble takeaway and bring bottles of beer, bottles of Bundy Rum or whatever took their fancy. They would play a game of Space Invaders while waiting for their order, swig a glug or two, get their " burglar " as they called them ( because they stole their need to ever eat another burger ) and sashay off in to the night, weave their way home and hopefully land somewhere close to their place of residence.

Certainly, there were times when people ended up in a ditch at 5am and staggered home to meet " the strife " ( wife ) blaming my snackbar and the " burglars " for their transgression. But, to be fair, cars didn't have seatbelts in those days and cops were still human.Yes, it was the OLDEN DAYS. 

The BULK Burger was a behemoth of burgers. It started with a toasted and buttered bun. The first layer was a slice of cheese, lightly grilled and ever so carefully heated. Then came the slice of fresh Queensland pineapple ( you know, that stuff that you cannot buy in cans anymore because it all comes from the Phillipines ) topped with 2 rashers of Australian bacon. On top of that was a fried egg. Because bacon and eggs always go together. And yes, that egg came from a mate who was still " allowed " to sell us eggs from his chooks that wandered around his property and grubbed in the freedom of a life without a cage.

We then went to the next part of the construction: ensuring that there was no leakage from the bottom to the top: keeping the egg safe from bursting its banks. The pattie went on top. This beef pattie was sourced from our local butcher who owned a beef cattle property. In those days, the meat was grown kindly and the cattle were never slaughtered halal. After all, that would have been un Australian. 

Carefully.  The rest of the burglar was assembled to the side in a separate build. The foundation was a whole lettuce leaf. From a market garden a few miles up the road.  On top of that was tomato, again, grown locally and it not only looked like a tomato and smelt like a tomato, it tasted like a tomato. There was no such thing as genetic modification in those days. 

Meanwhile, my locally grown onion, from the Darling Downs, was gently frying and caramelising on the grill plate. This would then be put on top of the tomato. The crowning glory of the Bulk Burger was the Beetroot. It would be placed on top of the tomato, drenched in tomato and BBQ sauce and topped off with the last bun, also covered in grilled cheese.

The secondary build, created on the foundation of the lettuce, would then be carefully placed on top of the first and voila, the Bulk Burger would take its place as the finest burger ever created.

It passed the most important test of all in burger polls: drippability. It could drip from your mouth, down your arms and onto your hands. It scored 10/10 on drippability.

Tastability was a 10/10

Hunger abatementability was 11/10.

To me, beetroot and cheese and pineapple are vital ingredients in an Aussie burger. In as much as pineapple belongs on pizza.  Oh, I know that Masterchef would not agree, but they think that eating meat that looks like it should still be running around in a paddock because it is so rare... I don't get it. 

Give me an old fashioned burger, a long slow cooked roast of lamb anyday. Oh, and with home made mint sauce and roast veges. Keep your cummin to your curries, your couscous to your hamas and your hands off my beetroot.

Cheers.