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A man is talking to God and asks, “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”


I could have saved pages and pages of work for the government with the budget.

A new simplified tax return.


1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.


“ Do not touch “ must be one of the scariest things to read in braille …


Just read a press release from Heinz saying: ‘We will NEVER make a Bolognese version of Alphabetti Spaghetti’. I thought blimey they don’t mince their words.


After watching the film, I decided to apply for a job. I just had a call. I got it. I've just been accepted for a senior position at Old McDonald's farm.


I went for meal with a load of electricians last night.
None of them wanted starters they just went straight for the mains. Then we all went ohm. Sorry for the negative post. It's probably a bit of a shock but the food was re volt ing. It was a fusion restaurant.


Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...
Fookin hell, where do these people get off?





 Seamus goes to a Catholic Church , and is making a confession : Man : "Father , I am 75 years old ... I have been married for 50 years ... All these years I had been faithful to my wife , but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old ..." Father : "When was the last time you made a confession ..?" Man : "I never have , I am Protestant..." Father : "Then why are telling ME all this ..?" Man : "Telling YOU ?? ... I’m Fookin telling EVERYBODY ..!"


Paddy's in court.. and after an 8 hour trial he pleads guilty.
The Judge says: "why didn't you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time?"
Paddy says: "I thought I was innocent until I heard the evidence." ????


Seamus went up to the Qantas check-in desk this morning.
The girl asked: "Do you have reservations?"
He said: "Yes, but I'm flying with you anyway."


I know this might not be suitable for this page but I am asking everyone to wish me luck.
I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!
I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!


 Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.


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